phantomasianman

June 9, 2009

Jenny stares through the darkness at the ceiling. She isn't looking at me, I can tell, even though my head is on her chest, because she hasn't really been able to look at me now for a few days. "I feel like I've already lost you, you just haven't left yet," she says in a flattened tone that scares me. I don't really understand what she means, but I know enough to know that she believes it.

"You're going to get better," I tell her for the eleventh time today, and the fortieth time this week. But I'm certain this time she heard me. This time it'll make a difference. This time everything will be fixed and healed. This time we can get back to normal.

"Maybe I will," she replies. "I just don't see how we come out of this in a relationship. And right now, all I see is tunnel. I don't see any light, I can only see tunnel."

I lift my head toward hers, and she still doesn't look at me. "Listen to me," I say, "I'm here, aren't I?" Please let this talk-down be the last. Please, Lord, let it work this time.

And then she starts crying again, a wracking, sobbing cry that absolutely breaks my heart, the more so because I'm still convinced it's my fault. She turns away from me and curls into a fetal position, and all I can do is put a hand on her arm, stroke it gently, take a deep breath, forget my own pain, forget the questions of why, what I did this time, what I can do to stop this, what I can do to stop it from happening again, why all this has happened, why I said the things I did a few weeks ago, why, how, what... shove all that down, and wait.

would any of you guys know if you can go into one of those free clinics that charge based on a sliding scale (you are put on the honor system for putting your correct money info in) and get a birth control prescription for pretty much free? i have no health insurance right now and am on my last pack and cant pay a crapload of money for a physical and everything. could i just say im on my period and just need the prescription and that ive been on it already with no adverse effects?

thanks!

I've held off on posting about this because it creeps me the hell out. Last night was the first night I was able to fall asleep without thinking about it since it happened, so I'm okay to post about it now.

Last Tuesday night/Wednesday morning, I was having a dream I was on an inflatable raft (swimming pool kind, not whitewater kind) with Rice in the Pacific Ocean off the coast of San Francisco. There are other details to the dream, but they're irrelevant to this story. I woke up from the dream and I saw a figure standing over me. The figure was dark and I couldn't make out any features, so I don't know if it was a man or a woman, but I remember feeling like it was a man. The figure appeared to be trying to yell something at me, but it didn't make any sound, it just kind of flailed and jerked forward. It was there for about three seconds before it faded away. It had been standing between my bed and my desk, and the headboard side of the bed, so with my head facing left on the pillow, I was looking right at it. It was 6:30am.

Interestingly, I wasn't scared in the moment. I was just looking at it trying to figure out what it was and what was going on. After it disappeared is when I started to freak out a little. The cat was outside my door meowing up a storm so I let her in. I tried to go back to sleep up I was too freaked out so I turned on my light and sat at the computer, but I was too tired to stay awake. We had a house guest sleeping in the living room so I had no choice but to try to go back to sleep. I eventually did and then awoke to my alarm at 8am.

After recounting this story to friends over lunch that day, they asked if I'd spoken to Rice, implying that maybe he was the ghost (since I saw it immediately after dreaming about him). I hadn't considered that, and confirmed via text message that he was indeed alive, phew.

After talking to multiple people about this experience, I will answer the FAQ: yes, I'm sure I was awake. I'm not sure of what I saw, and not really believing in ghosts it's kind of hard to explain it to myself, let alone others. I guess you can call me an aghostnostic now. But it definitely wasn't a dream. Another thing several people have mentioned is that it sounds like it was a "good ghost", meaning it didn't mean me any harm. That's nice to think about, but it's still creepy. Lindsay is convinced it was MariAnne (a friend of ours who died in college), despite the fact that it "felt" like a man, whatever that means.

It was impossible to get to sleep Wednesday night. I think I finally fell asleep for good at around 4am. Every night since then I've been avoiding going to sleep and as a result getting to bed after 2am for no good reason. Last night was the first night I went to bed and fell right asleep.

The four guys in the corner wearing red and white break out in shouts and applause, and I don't have to turn around and look at the television to know something has happened that I won't like, but I do anyway. Sure enough, Cornell has taken a 3-2 lead against my beloved Wildcats, and I heave a sigh. One of the Cornell guys comes up to the bar shortly thereafter to order another pitcher, and points at the New Hampshire hockey jersey I'm wearing. To his credit, instead of needling me about the current score, he asks, "Hey, is that a game-worn?"

I smile. "No, just your basic campus store replica. A boyfriend gave it to me for my birthday one year when it coincided with a playoff game. What about yours? Are those real puck marks?"

"Yup, it was [Player]'s away sweater for a season," he says proudly, where [Player] is a name I can't remember even five minutes later. I will remember while writing this later, though, that it doesn't sound familiar to me from the last really important UNH-Cornell match-up in 2003, and this guy looks like a kid, so I assume it's more recent.

"Very cool," I say, handing him his pitcher and taking his cash.

"Hey, chin up," he adds as he starts to turn back to his friends. "Your boys have tied it up twice already today, this has been a great game!"

A great game if you like watching your team get outshot two-to-one on their own ice, I think to myself as I count the cash, do the math, and make a note: if this group is at all representative, Cornell boys seem to be good tippers. For some reason, New Hampshire is dominating Hockey East this year, but we can't seem to get the job done outside the conference. That's certainly no way to set up a national championship season, something I've been pining after for a very long time. I stand and watch ESPN-U for a minute, as Cornell continues their cycling-and-possession demonstration and clinic, free of charge to their opponents.

Someone taps me on the shoulder. "Hey, Gretzky," says Lisa, "heads up. We have some customers who don't give a shit about a high school hockey game, get it in gear." I'm not used to being talked to like that, but this isn't the Bar, it's the Pub, and I'm low barmaid on the totem pole around here. I'm tempted to tell her snidely that it's college, something she wouldn't be familiar with, but that was probably her point - and I honestly don't want to piss her off, I need this job. I turn away, smile, and start to take an order, and my customer is still in between "Hefe" and "weizen" when the Big Red boys start cheering and high-fiving again.

Next time Game-Worn comes up for another pitcher, we've pulled our goalie during a power play for a 6-on-4, and we're putting a lot of pressure on, but so far to no avail. "Hey," I ask while I'm drawing their communal Sam Adams, "how did you guys end up here, anyway? Not that I would ever complain about you giving us business, but isn't there a Cornell bar or something anywhere in the city?"

"Yeah," he says, "on the Upper East Side. But usually an e-mail goes out beforehand, and this time we didn't see one. I live closer to the Pub anyway, and pardon my French, but it's really fucking cold out. We honestly had no idea one of the bartenders was a UNH alum. You've been a good sport letting us hang out."

"Listen, this next pitcher is on me," I tell him as I hand it over. "I don't care what color you're wearing, college hockey fans are few and far between enough - you're welcome here anytime."

He thanks me, tips me heavily, and goes back to his friends just in time to see his team put the nail in the coffin with an empty-netter. They start cheering and high-fiving again, and I go back to working my Sunday shift and trying not to get beer all over my jersey. It seems like the Yankees win a World Series every few weeks or so, why can't New Hampshire manage to win a Frozen Four?

In late October 2007 I noticed that my livejournal posting had seen a drastic decline coinciding with my being in a relationship. I came across the chart I made to illustrate this trend when I was going through some old folders today, and decided to see how not being in a relationship anymore has affected the trend.



The chart shows a gradual decline in posts over the course of the relationship (2007 and 2008). Activity begins to pick up at the end of the relationship (January 2009) with a peak in July 2009, which was indeed a dramatic month. I have yet to even approach the level of posting from early 2006.

The blue line in 2009 represents total posts, whereas the salmon line subtracts the posts that are just Yahoo crossword completion times (the salmon line is me if I weren't so lame as to post my crossword completion times in my livejournal).

Movies I rented from Netflix and actually watched:

• The Six Wives of Henry VIII (BBC series)
• Naked Boys Singing
• Mamma Mia!
• Blindness (with Page & Popcorn)
• Adam & Steve (This was terrible)
• Brick Lane (with ARMANi)
• Shrek
• Shrek 2
• Baby Mama
• Sex and the City: The Movie
• 9 to 5 (inspired by the musical)
• Lost: Season 4
• Battlestar Galactica: Caprica
• Maude: Season 1
• Grey Gardens (the recent HBO movie)
• Battlestar Galactica: The Plan

Happy New Years EVE everyone! Especially kathymac!

This year, I saw the following shows (and possibly more, since I'm basing this primarily on the Playbills that made it home).

Broadway:

• Guys and Dolls: I was excited to see Lauren Graham in this revival. Unfortunately, she just wasn't right for the part. However, Mary Testa's performance in "Sit Down You're Rocking the Boat" made it worthwhile.
• Wicked: My friend Veronika ended up with a spare ticket to Wicked, so I went with her to see it instead of going to see my ex perform at the Duplex (for an audience that included his new boyfriend). I love Wicked, so of course I enjoyed the show, but they eliminated Elphaba and the Wizard's waltz during "Wonderful," which was one of my favorite moments in the musical.
• Shrek: I don't remember when I saw this (I'm trying to go in chronological order) because I don't have the Playbill. I was inspired to see it from seeing clips at Musical Mondays at Splash (if Broadway wants to market to me, that is how to do it). I can't think of a single thing I didn't like about it. It was a great show for what it was.
• Hair: Having only heard a few of the songs and being generally unfamiliar with the show, I was a little confused by the flow. At times it seemed there was a plot and at other times the plot vanished. It was a fantastic production, though, and the ending was very powerful. Speaking of endings, this was the last time I saw Mike (with the exception of a chance encounter on 6th Avenue).
• 9 to 5: I loved this show, and feel it closed too early and was robbed at the Tonys. All of the lead actresses were perfect in their roles (especially Megan Hilty as Doralee), and it was a great adaptation of the movie (although I didn't see the movie until after I saw the musical).
• Waiting for Godot: I went to see this when Kim and Allison were in town. It was Kim's pick, and she had an extra ticket so I invited my friend Christian to come along. I heard it was a slow somewhat boring play, so I steeled myself for that. All of the actors were excellent, and there were some really funny moments. Nathan Lane was perfect.
• Blithe Spirit: This was hilarious. Definitely my favorite play in a long time.
• A Little Night Music: I think this was my favorite show of the year. You just can't beat Sondheim. I knew nothing about the show going in (except for the few songs I'd heard). Everything about it was just wonderful.
• Chicago: After living in NYC for nearly five years, I finally saw the production of Chicago that has been running since 1996. I couldn't help but compare it to the recent movie, which I know is a crime. I didn't know until about halfway through that Roxy was being played by Ashlee Simpson(-Wentz), which I consider a credit to her ability. However, as I watched the show I was wishing I'd seen it when Bebe Neuwirth was in it (either time, in either role).
• Ragtime: I managed to squeeze one more show in before the year ended. We'd heard that it was closing, so Brandon, Drew, and I went to TKTS yesterday and got far-right, way-back orchestra seats (visibility was fine, except we had to bend forward to see some of the action on the top tier of the stage). Once again, all I knew of this show came from the clips of the original run I saw at Musical Monday. It was funnier than I thought it would be, and I really liked the music. Not the best singers in this production, though.

The breakdown:
8 musicals, 2 plays
7 revivals, 2 movie-to-stage transfers, 1 original musical (that I'd seen before)
Most seen actress: Angela Lansbury (twice: Blithe and Night Music)
I saw the same number of performances as last year, but one more production.
4 trips to TKTS.
6 are still open (one of which is closing imminently), 4 have closed
Settings: 2 from the turn of the last century (Night Music, Ragtime), 3 from the late twenties/early thirties (Chicago, Guys, Blithe), the sixties (Hair), the seventies (9 to 5), unknown (Godot), not in our time line (Shrek, Wicked)

No Off-Broadway (down from last year's one)

Off-Off-Broadway:

• Kidnapped by Craigslist: I saw this at the People's Improv Theater at the urging of Allison Park. It was hilarious.
• Manuscript: Jessica P'an brought us to see this for her birthday. It was at Center Stage and was put on by Red Wheelbarrow Productions. I thought it was well-acted and an interesting story, and the William Carlos Williams quote after which the production company is named (and which was printed in the program) became Truism #282.
• Gutter Star: The Paperback Musical: I saw this show because Kate assistant stage managed and dramaturgized it and Bethany costume directed it (and they were in it for a few minutes!). Oh, lesbians.

Up from last year's one. As is probably often the case with Off-Off-Broadway, I went to all three of these shows (and the one I saw last year) because I knew someone (or knew someone who knew someone) who was involved with the production.

No opera (down from last year's four)

Lincoln Center:

• "Russian Dreams: The Music of Sergei Prokofiev", The London Symphony at Avery Fisher. My review
• "Around Prokofiev", The Chamber Music Society at Alice Tully.
• Another LSO concert that I went to with Brandon, David, and Christian (but I can't find the Playbill so I don't know anything else).
• NY Phil in Central Park

Down from last year's six (this includes the operas).

Other concerts:

• Andrew Bird at Radio City with Tracee
• Indigo Girls with Alex and her friend (Matt Nathanson opened)

Same amount as last year.

Museums and art shows:

• "For Your Eyes Only", by Ze'ev Willy Neumann, Saugerties, NY.
• Cherry blossoms at the Brooklyn Botanical Gardens
• "Extreme Mammals", American Museum of Natural History

Same amount as last year.

New Year's Eve at The Way Station!

Thursday, December 31
7pm-4am
Free
Featuring the Fritz and Anders show behind the bar.
Live music by Discovery.
Come ring in the new year at Prospect Height's newest bar!
http://waystationbk.blogspot.com/

If you guys want this place to stay open it needs are soport now. They have hit a huge issue with city red tape
Read the whole thing here : http://www.brooklynpaper.com/stories/33/1/33_01_sk_way_station.html
If we do not help them now then they might not make it to being ok.

So go if you can, spread the word about the bar and lets help them keep it so we have a place to go , hang out, drink and have fun.

Andy and Doc who own the place are great guys who should have there dream of owning a great place like this.

I'm going to keep the goal at 12 books, because I like feeling good about myself. Also, I'm not sure how my loss of subway commute is going to affect how much I read, but I hope it will be counteracted by more time to read at home.

A secondary goal this year is to make a dent in the pile of books I possess but haven't read yet. This includes books I've bought or gotten for free (32), books I've received as gifts (6), books friends have given me and don't seem to expect back (11), and books friends have loaned me (8).

This last category is getting tackled first (with my apologies to the friends in question) and Sara will be pleased that at the top of the list is Benjamin Franklin: An American Life. Also on this list is The Boleyn Inheritance, loaned to me by a former coworker in exchange for a Philippa Gregory of my own, The White Queen, which she returned to me long ago. I also have This Boy's Life (loaned to me by a Borders coworker when I still worked at Borders), 1776 and Blindsighted (loaned to me by my mom, the latter I doubt I'll read), The Blind Assassin (Cassie's favorite book, loaned to me by Lindsay, who can always just saunter down the hall and take it back if she wants it), and two others which, though they're very short, I doubt I'll pick them up (the object of the game is to clear space).

As for the books I've gotten as gifts, at the top of the list is The Cross and the Pear Tree: A Sephardic Journey, which I got this year from my sister and brother-in-law. I try to read books received as gifts in the year they were given or, failing that, the following year. Also Tracee wrote an inscription in this book, so I'd like to make good on such a thoughtful gift by actually reading it. The other books in this category were given to me years ago, and will probably continue to sit on the shelf.

A wide variety of friends and non-friends have given me books to read, including grubbybastard, Julia Pitcher (from college), Mike, Vinay (Acxiom), Sue Ha, Kim Van Dyke, peytonfalcor, and juxtaposetsa, seemingly with no desire to ever see these books again. Of the books in this pile, the two that really scream out to be read are Reading Lolita in Tehran (from Rice), and Gun, with Occasional Music (from Adrianne).

To be continued

I'm calling 2009 over for books, since I don't think I'll finish another book before January 1st. Here is an updated book summary for 2009.

January: Spook
February: Queen Margot (didn't finish), Without Feathers (didn't finish)
March-April: The Corrections
May: My Sister's Keeper
June: Love in the Time of Cholera (didn't finish), Bonk
July: Julie & Julia
August: The White Queen, Her Fearful Symmetry
September: The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society, First Among Sequels
October: The Subtle Knife
November: Wishful Drinking, Official Book Club Selection, Genesis
December: This is Your Brain on Music (didn't finish)

Total started: 17
Total finished: 13

By the genres:
3 memoirs (Julie & Julia, Wishful Drinking, Official Book Club Selection)
2 non-fictions (Spook, Bonk)
3 modern novels (The Corrections, My Sister's Keeper, Her Fearful Symmetry)
2 fantasies (First Among Sequels, The Subtle Knife)
1 sci-fi novel (Genesis)
2 historical novels (The White Queen, The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society)

New (to me) authors:
Jonathan Franzen (Corrections)
Mary Ann Shaffer and Annie Barrows (Guernsey)
Carrie Fisher (Wishful)
Kathy Griffin (Official)
Bernard Beckett (Genesis)

Authors I'd read before:
Mary Roach (Stiff)
Jodi Picoult (The Pact)
Philippa Gregory (The Other Boleyn Girl, half of Earthly Joys)
Audrey Niffenegger (The Time Traveler's Wife)
Jasper Fforde (The Thursday Next series)
Philip Pullman (The Golden Compass)

Ranking, starting with best-liked:

1. The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society, by Mary Ann Shaffer and Annie Barrows
2. Her Fearful Symmetry, by Audrey Niffenegger
3. Julie & Julia, by Julie Powell
4. Genesis, by Bernard Beckett
5. Spook, by Mary Roach
6. Bonk, by Mary Roach
7. Official Book Club Selection, by Kathy Griffin
8. First Among Sequels, by Jasper Fforde
9. The Subtle Knife, by Philip Pullman
10. Wishful Drinking, by Carrie Fisher
11. The Corrections, by Jonathan Franzen
12. The White Queen, by Philippa Gregory
13. My Sister's Keeper, by Jodi Picoult

9 female authors
4 male authors

Where I got the books from:
3 were loaned to me by Bethany (Guernsey, Fearful, Sequels)
3 were gifts from Mike (Spook, Bonk, Subtle)
2 were loaned to me by Lindsay (Official, Wishful)
I bought Julie
Rice gave me Genesis
Sue gave me Corrections
My mom loaned me Keeper
LivingSocial sent me Queen

Books read for book clubs:
Julie (Page & Popcorn)
Keeper (ARMANi)

By publication year:
2009: 3 (Symmetry, Queen, Official)
2008: 3 (Guernsey, Bonk, Wishful)
2007: 1 (Sequels)
2006: 1 (Genesis)
2005: 2 (Spook, Julie)
2004: 1 (Keeper)
2001: 1 (Corrections)

Books I didn't finish:
2006: 1 (This is Your Brain on Music)
1988: 1 (Love in the Time of Cholera)
1975: 1 (Without Feathers)
1845: 1 (Queen Margot)
1997: 1 (Knife)

Hi everyone,
So i have a large print that I need copied.  It's old, and there's no film left, but I want a copy of it.  Then i need to get them both framed!
any ideas for a cheap but good copier/ framer?
thanks!

Wizaz Troika

281. Do not let Bethany near eggs.
     Suffice it to say there was an incident.
282. So much depends upon a red wheel barrow glazed with rain water beside the white chickens. (William Carlos Williams)
     This one was printed on the back of the program of play I went to see
283. All noses are created equal, but some noses are more equal than other noses. (courtesy of Ally Hirschkowitz)
     Ally and I discover that our noses are squishy and others' are not.
284. Two things come in crocks. One of them is onion soup.
     Wiseness courtesy of Sara.
285. Facebook is a nicer person than Lindsay.
     My explanation as to why Facebook doesn't have a dislike button.
286. You can't say the F word on E!
     A direct quote from a show we were watching on E!
287. Lindsay will eat it however she finds it. Big. Boy.
     I was not there for this one.
288. Square pumpkins wouldn't roll
     Smartness courtesy of Bethany
289. Don't fuck with Puddhaven.
     I believe this had something to do with bedbugs.
290. Watching the cat set herself on fire is like having sex with America.
     We took the "having sex with America" part from Mercy, and the "cat set herself on fire" part is from our cat setting herself on fire.

These wisdoms and truisms cover the period of time from July 4th to December 24th. We were sparsely wise and slowly true this year.